"Are You Settling For A Man?"

Do you ever wish you could read a Yelp review on the guy that you initially start dating as a forewarning to what you are getting into? It would be great; you could see the pros and cons of this person before you even have the chance to get invested. You could mentally match up your non-negotiables compared to their actions and personality traits.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? With all that you can do via online dating, we probably aren’t that far away from it.

Settling for a guy versus making concessions and compromises in your significant other can take you back to a list in your head of whether you are actually sticking to your guns.

The difference between settling for a man for the sake of having a relationship versus finding a proper match in your significant other can be more than a challenge. Being that there is no true perfect person, what is the difference between realizing someone's faults and quirks compared to this guy really not fulfilling your non-negotiables?

Navigating online dating, you deal with a lot of crap. Your close friends that are taken begin to think you are a serial online dater when you have more than 1 date a week. This couldn’t be further from the truth! These taken b*tches don’t realize how dating has really changed in the last few years. Thus, getting into a relationship, you might feel like you’ve kind of just won gold.

After passing this hurtle, after a couple of months you start to push past the superficial and realize, Am I really into this person? Or is it just convenient and good enough for the time being?

Hey, I’ve been in this predicament. It’s a great question to ponder because as a girl, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of a relationship. You are still kind of surprised he’s committed since everyone is just too cool. When you get into another argument, you start to realize concessions you are making for him. For example, maybe he isn’t alpha but he makes no effort to solidify plans or even offer a cute idea for date night. It’s always on you. Just Google something. You don’t even have to think. Naturally, this can wear you down quickly.

Maybe this doesn’t always grind your gears, you don’t mind planning. However, his lack of communication gets you. He doesn’t text you back in a reasonable amount of time unless you are asking a poignant question and you feel like he’s too laissez faire about your relationship. This isn’t normal. You think he cares too little and you think—Is he into me or more into this basketball game? If you are competing with the never-ending program of sports: This. Is. A. Red. Flag. Let me give you a piece of advice, if he is stooping to watching NASCAR- you will never be a priority. Word to the wise, there will always be something on to watch; therefore, a game, match, race that will always come before you.

Okay, so cross off passion or desire from your list. Finally, not that everyone has to be as cultured as the Queen of England, but if he cuts his sushi with a fork and knife and he isn’t 60-years-old, you can feel yourself cringe. He’s never been out of the country but wears it like a badge of honor. Hey, I love America too but feign some interest in at least sightseeing Montreal. Having an open mind can go a long way, and can allow you to explore unique interests, places, and experiences together.

What is the difference between settling for a partner and making concessions and compromises for them? I’m a firm believer that people do not make dramatic life changes especially to please someone else. We are who we are and we tend to be selfish. Settling for someone that feels “good enough,” know that you might not top their list of priorities but depending on your life situation, maybe that is what you need in the moment. However, taking what is good enough in the moment can be a slippery slope—at the end of the day do you want another roommate or a significant other that appreciates you as much as you care about them?

"Tinder Is Making Guys Lazy As F*ck"

            

         Dating apps have made guys lazy as fuck. Let’s be honest, but aren’t women responsible for the other half in dating? To be fair, they should be.

         While riding in an Uber, I was chatting with this 40-something man who was a class act. He was telling me about his family and how he has a teenage daughter and how hard it is raising teens; we got on the topic of chivalry and how at times, it seems dead.  Of course, we started talking about dating apps and he said, to be frank, anything that a guy can attain so easily through an app, he will feel like is not worth having or retaining. 

          This comment resonated with me.  I thought about how he was not trying to be judgmental; but rather commenting on the reality of meeting someone online and what it entails. For example, whether its solely using it for sex, an ego boost, something to do on a Wednesday night, whatever your reason—there is something to be said for apps easy access to whatever you are trying to fulfill (man or woman). For the record, the Uber man was throwing the guys under the bus here, not just me (again).

            I feel like I have talked to a gazillion people about their thoughts on dating online. Whether their experience is positive or negative, I always hear some of the same trends on what you find in your online matches. For example, my friends and I will chat about how disingenuous guys are online, guys on dates will TELL ME how they have friends that use apps just as an ego boost to see how many matches they get and never actually message any of them (you’re such a loser), and of course, how guys/girls are just cruising for some easy sex. Hey, I get it. How are you supposed to meet someone nowadays, anyways?

            This brings me to the meeting part. When was the last time you went to a bar and actually got hit on? If you are married, can you think that far back? I will tell you it rarely happens to me now. Not that I think I am that amazing, but it doesn’t really happen to any of my girlfriends either.  This is why I am usually shocked if a guy approaches me; even more so when it happened last week while watching the tournament. A guy sauntered over to me while out at a bar watching the Final Four. I chalked it up to two factors: he was so absurdly drunk he could barely stand (wouldn’t care if I blew him off) and he was wearing a Michigan State shirt--I thought he wanted someone to nurse his wounds after their loss.  He kind of gave up when I wouldn’t dance with him; there was no music playing.  However, that is beside the point.

            I go to the bars all the time and guys don’t have to approach you anymore. Like, somehow in the past five years that has been completely eradicated. Why? Because they can get can what they need and want from online. Guys don’t have to approach anyone and they don’t have to get their egos hurt because you can do it safely with anonymity from your Iphone.  Thus, no real substantial rejection, no effort, and it does not have to cost him anything.

            This brings me full circle. Are guys really all to blame? Yes, they can be an easy scapegoat because if you are traditional you want them to make the first move, whether it’s their approach upon meeting or for the first interaction on the dating app. From experience, whenever I am the first one to reach out or be ballsy and try to make conversation at the bar, I usually get shot down. So Cosmo, quit telling me how a guy just wants a forward girl and for me to be overtly aggressive--it’s a turnoff for them. 

           

            One time at the bar, my friend was so annoyed that no one came up to us all night, she wanted to go up to a group of fratty guys and say, “Hey boys, ever dated a girl with a dick?” Had she done it, it would’ve been a priceless moment to witness their stunned reactions and them trying to process if she was really a transvestite, but this is just an example of a woman’s passive aggressive frustration. I just got dressed up for not one guy to even approach me, really?

            Are guys happy that the tables have turned and they don’t have to be put on the spot anymore to be real aggressive? Or are they just a pawn in the newly evolved dating game? At the end of the day, their basic nature has not changed. They still will pursue you (if interested) but the platform has wholly changed. Instead of meeting you organically, both sides have settled into the complacency of meeting online and if anything, women have the ability to put themselves out there and be more aggressive online. If anything, I’m interested, how will dating and relationships change in the next 5-10 years? How will online dating apps mold the future and possibly, your future partner?

“A Gay Night Out May Be Just What You Need”

When was the last time you went to a gay bar to party?

No matter your relationship situation when you need a crazy night out, it’s not at the club where you should release some steam-it’s the gay bar.

Maybe, you’ve never been because you’re a straight girl and you don’t see the point. I understand the reasoning but humor me for a moment.

In Boystown in Chicago, the bars emanate warmth on a cold, February night. You might think it’s just another Friday night and spontaneously hit Sidetrack’s, a well-known gay bar, with your closest gay friends. It’s not a requirement to walk in with your good gay friends, but you will feel more at ease simply because you are in the minority. You have the fire in your eyes-you’re rolling with your crew and you want to dial it up. It’s Friday.

Potent Libations

As soon as you walk in, the energy has you. Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” is playing and it’s putting you in the party mode. You are a fierce motherf*cker. This will be your mantra of the night.

Men are everywhere in all shapes and sizes mingling with their peers—you have to adjust your vision because you are used to seeing women in their perspective tiny ensembles; instead, you see men dressed to impress. Anything and everything goes. You spot some silver foxes in button ups and some young 30-somethings in casual, fitted t-shirts with ripped biceps poking through. You even see some guys in S&M leather. You momentarily question if you’ve stumbled on some kind of theme night? With so much visual stimulation, your mind wanders to their straight counterparts-why can’t straight guys get this cleaned up (apart from bondage) on a night out? Your attention is everywhere, taking it all in.

The music is pumping with flat screens showcasing Robyn’s coordinating video. When you hit the bar, the bar man knows your gay friends. You order lemon drops for your first round of shots. You are shocked when the bartender comes back with full cups of a shimmering gold liquid rimmed with sugar-these are shots? This looks like a regular drink without ice. You pay and are taken aback—the shots are half the price they would be at a regular bar you would frequent. As you go to take the shot, you wince, and your friend yells out, “Drink your juice, Shelby.” He’s right, why are you fighting it? It’s time to rage.

With another drink in hand, you and your friends decide to mingle. Suddenly, you find yourself chatting with some 20-something cuties and you almost forget where you are. As I was genuinely complimenting this guy that looked like Matthew McConaughey on a night out, we instantly struck up a conversation. He and I were chatting discussing and scoping out potential guys he could hit on at the bar. I instantly felt at home and he made me feel apart of his community. No judgment, no straight dudes ignoring you on their phones. These guys are here to party, be social, and genuinely kick it. There are no sports on the huge flat screens; instead, you actually see guys conversing. How refreshing. The straight bar could learn a thing from the ambience here.

Dance Party

Once you’ve made your rounds with your friends-you see your group wanting to take it up a notch. We migrate to the dance floor and the house music with dancing LED lights is everything you could want in this moment. Everyone is dancing and you let the music and lights take over. You feel no stress except for having to hold your purse.

One of your crewmembers returns with more shots and you know that tomorrow will hurt. Everyone is bumping and grinding and letting the week shake off them. Why is this so fun? Maybe, because you don’t have to impress some guy that you are talking to at the bar and you certainly don’t have to worry about trying to freak him on the dance floor. It is careless and free and the energy is high. You don’t have your girlfriends trying to scam on guys and you aren’t trying to get away from some freak that won't leave you alone.

There are blasts of stage smoke and your guys get to the edge of a balcony with a railing which becomes a perfect prop for some risqué dancing. They take their shirts off and they have legitimate Greek god bodies. Like seeing a lion with its beautiful mane in its natural habitat, you stop and are entranced. You are legit dying at their Magic Mike moves and you snap a few shots for Instagram—you will need evidence to rag on them tomorrow.

The lights come on to your personal dance party and you have no concept of what time it is. You don’t want the night to be over-and the energy is so renewing. You’re left thinking why can't every night be like this?

Aftermath

The next morning, you reflect on how a night at the gay bar is different than a night at a “straight” club or a bar. The no-judgment atmosphere really allows you to be yourself and that no one really gives a sh*t. Shouldn’t this be everywhere you go?

One night at the gay bar and I guarantee you will leave without a care and several more friends (and numbers) than you started with. As a straight girl, there isn’t a facade for you, you can warm up to your fellow peers and enjoy the night. Sometimes you might think you are clueless straight person out of your element but a little adventure may just be what you need and a bump out of your comfort zone.

After all, the drinks are stronger and cheaper and if you are with a cute gay friend, he might get them for free. This is obviously better than sucking up to some straight dude all night who will just try to f*ck you without investing in one cocktail. Now, what are you doing this Friday night?

“The Barbie Doll Complex Is Alive and Well”

Are you familiar with the Barbie Doll Complex? I’ve heard of it but on a Tinder date, a late 30-something told me that he went through what he recounted as a “Miss Potato Head” phase. I couldn’t respond because I wasn’t sure we were thinking of the same thing.

Explain. And. Please. Don’t. Stop. This is what guys really come up with?

He coined it that when a guy dates for so long he feels like he can have it all. He can take this girl’s tits, that girl’s ass, and another’s petite features and make the perfect girl. I couldn’t believe what he was saying and the best part was he f*cking believed it-maybe this is why he was single at 38 and going out with a 29-year-old.

As a female, when you have been dating for a long time, you begin to realize the clear advantage men have. They can be so cavalier in their confidence and expectations that they have the nerve to tell you on the first date their standards in just looks for women.

Why Does the Barbie Doll Complex Exist?

There is a clear disparity that exists between the standard (which is perpetuated in the media and porn) that women are expected to operate at compared to the opposite sex. In the competitive dating world, women have to be pretty much perfect akin to a Barbie. They need to be waxed, highlighted, poised with the right clothes, and in-shape curves. On the other hand, guys only have to be “casual” in their appearance; we clap and get excited if they have a clean shirt on with no ketchup stains.

Everywhere we look, women are perfectly advertised and held to this standard. At the grocery store, you check out and see The Sports Illustrated cover girl is busty but ever so thin. You get on social media, Instagram, Facebook, any dating app, and we’re all filtered and photoshopped. Everyone is erasing their imperfections to be their best self to hold up to what we see portrayed in the media.

Guys are spoiled. They are used to it. They come to expect the “Barbie Doll” as the norm; you got an extra 10 pounds on you? You better get rid of it. But the belly they have? We overlook it. We have too.

Men don’t have to spend that much money on their wardrobe to get a date, they barely have to roll off the couch and we have to be impressed by them. Hey, they showed up didn’t they?

We spend hours at the gym, diet, cleanse, facial treatments because god forbid we start to look “aged” in our late 20s, yet men look more distinguished with age.
However, the double standard that exists is glaring. Your male counterpart can be overweight with a ratty hoodie, and beat up sneakers and we’re supposed to be turned on by that.

Why are guys allowed to be disgusting and still get laid yet women have to be insanely perfect?

Because we let them. Women settle for guys below their grade all the time. Why?

Does Everyone Settle?

Women often lower their standards to accommodate a man for the sake of being in a relationship and having some much needed companionship. If he is a resting 4, he can get a girl who is an 8 and especially in a large city where there is so much “window shopping.” If you don’t want him, he can go to the next one. Gone are the days where you are his only choice, there is an endless array of beauties on dating apps—filtered and tweaked just ready to be the next girl in line.

With such a plethora of women and average level guys, women have been forced to lower their standards. Or, at least coerced too. Men’s privileged thinking they can have a girl with Barbie Doll looks of perfection and the expectation where such a disparity exists is just the nature of the game.

Women are subconsciously aware of this even if its not outwardly spoken and talked about in their social groups. Guys know they have the upper hand. They know they can get the cream of the crop or move on to the next best thing.

Girls settle for a guy that they are more attractive than; the guy feels lucky to be with her so he treats her extraordinary well and puts her on a pedestal. This makes the girl content that she “settled” as opposed to overshooting for someone at her same grade.

Will the Double Standard Disappear?

At the end of the day, women’s sexuality is more malleable than a man’s. Women can make themselves attracted to a guy they wouldn’t normally be because he treats her well, makes her laugh and gasp, makes her a priority! While a guy looks at a girl, and if he doesn’t want to bed her, she’s in the out tray. Maybe it’s just the true make-up of our gender but the guys that run games and the girls that put up with it, eventually grow weary of this cycle.

This makes that 4 or 5 guy even more alluring and you justify in your head, “I can put him a button up with some designer jeans and converses and it will be a new man.” With so few wanting to commit to a relationship, when you find a 5—sometimes you have to take what you can get and be happy you're out of the rat race.